New Years

Sobered -she called me-, pretty accurate. perhaps not for tonights account, but in general yes. sometimes i don't know how to put my finger on how im feeling or what it is about me that makes me motivated or the lack there of, until someone puts the word in my head. today is new years eve and im going to a party, which should be fun but last year i was the one throwing the party with my friend, which was a smashing sucess (yes i said smashing) so i don't know if anything could beat that. but who knows, sometimes things surprise you. in fact each year that passes i feel like things are never what i expect. which keeps things exciting i guess :D

tonight

Today i am 19, tomorrow i am 40. 

my scarf is draped from the lamp to my open dresser drawer, like a beautiful sculpture. 

i think sometimes if you try hard enough you can rekindle anything, 

and then i remember that ive proved myself wrong. 

but still,

we sit in the car and talk about things that a million people have before, but if feels new to us because we're in the place that those people were at some point. 

it doesn't really matter what we're talking about, I'm just glad we're talking again. 

the longer you know someone the harder you have to work to keep them in your life, because lets face it you change, ive changed. 

even though our relationship use to come more naturally,

your friendship has meant more to me than most things 

and i don't yet think we've outgrown each other. 

highlighterrrrrspoonspoonspooon !

my fingernails are dirty 

an unsurprising adage 

how long have these flowers been dead?

it feels like a long time. 

today is nice. 

when things are going well fewer things make me happier than sitting straight with a silent curve in my spine, looking at you and talking about things that i think are interesting and that you might think are too. where were you when the sun was rising in my eyes, making me squint to push out the soft rays from my irises. isn't this beautiful? pick yourself up and and leave though, the freshness of my cheeks is all I have to offer you today. goo goo g'joob my darling,happy anniversary, the sun has set.  

the window is dirty.

crawl into bed with you
tangle under the sheets
my legs are paper cut outs
your body writhes in heat
the air is cool
a fluff suspended in space
take me to that restaurant we like to go to.
its so ugly outside
i can see the top of a tree
clap clap clap
mueller lyer illusion
do you believe what you hear or what you see
sitting next to someone i cant stand
surrounded by people who are stupid
where are we
i know ill never feel that wrenching heat
of knowing that we understand each other
in the way that only two people can make each other
see that theyre all thats important
but does that mean that we still exist somewhere
where do the little things end up
a note i have in my wallet
between amsterdam and columbus
cheap italian food

fuck you

just had a screaming fit in my room, so so so angry. hate is not too strong of a word sometimes. goddamn it. shower &iron and wine, what else would be teh obvious treatment?

anxiety

I have been so anxious this past week and a half,
its a pretty bad quality I have. It starts as a headache
and goes to my stomach in pangs...I need to find a way to relax.
I can't stop thinking about Hedwig, math class, and past relationships, haha.
not so subtle? well, its on my mind none the less.
The ONLY good thing that comes out of it is that I lost weight ridiculously
fast because I have literally no appetite when I feel like this, and I actually
vomit throughout the day. I'd say not the best weight loss method,
but hey probably not the worst either. Tapeworms, ick.

merr merr

productivity 

coffee

forgot about my coffee, 

but i woke up by myself anyway.

my life is turning into an abyss of clothes and dirty napkins. 

matisyahu

daft punk 

lets make it a situation 

and fill it with dragging fingers and a heavy head

oh this day means something to me 

time passes inside a prism 

i feel the heat rising inside 

entrapped 

and its driving me mad 

make love 

to the wrong song 

an excluded conversation 

you are so angry 

and confused 

i can see it 

refresh it

it's complicated i know, 

nothing we haven't heard before, or will hear again. 

when something new doesn't work out 

i always revert back to what was. 

your life was always like an hour glass

filtering the sand from what is 

to what will be. 

unlike the seasons unfurling themselves like an ongoing story

with no beginning or end. 

keeping time steady beneath your feet

moooo

i should be concentrating, but I can't when all I can think about is how different things use to be 

distance

an old cracked tree 

lines an old cracked highway. 

the distance gets thicker and thicker

like every time a leaf falls 

its like the season is almost over 

but its barely even started , 

we're in the midst of it.

but sometimes memories aren't enough.

a simple touch from an older woman,

my equivalent to a grandmother,

leads me to feel understanding 

that i didn't always feel. 

an old graveyard 

a familiar town 

the distance between us is a gaping hole,

and sometimes i can't seem to close it

because on the bus the lights are so white 

that sometimes i pretend i will never get off 

and that I'm going nowhere 

that im at someone elses full dispense, 

like you so often were at your own. 

and then  i dont remember how to close it 

like i use to. 

going somewhere

Dear vodka, 

Its me lauren. 

O what this weekend may hold for me. who knows who knows. 

what decisions you and i shall help make together, 

how those decisions may make my life increasingly more awkward than it already is. 

yes, i think that may be possible. 

hmmmm....o my. 

on the megabus right now ! 

believe it or not it has improved, they now have outlets, 

and seatbelts ! they now care about our well being while seated ! 

how fab how very very fab. 

i think the bus driver just saw me itching my boob while he was looking in his rearview mirror, since i am right behind him. 

yay. good signs ! 

gotta

get shit done. yea. 

vulnerable

resorting back to an old feeling, is odd. especially if it's been a while. 

change is a relative term.

sunday morning

tweet tweet tweet. 

something new, something fresh. 

having a thoughtful day

But aren't they all?

Walked into a psych test today thinking it was next week. 

.....its times like these when i feel like im not doing well for myself. 

right and wrong right and wrong. 

if it's wrong does that make it not right?

crossing that fine line_________

like when do you take the next step?>>>> and when is the next step too far out?

sometimes you don't know you've crossed a line until youre too far over to come back. 

what does that mean? ..but don't you know.....

*cant you handle it?*

awkward

smile laugh 

if its different the next time we see each other 

sex in the moonlight is the same as keeping it hidden in the dark

what is it about the night that makes things more comfortable 

its too real during the day 

you're too much of who you are 

or not enough of who you actually are. 

burnt toast crooked smile awkward pauses 

lost in translation 

lack of meaning 

tell me what you want 

life is easy when everything is surreal 

no one says it better than connor, 

the love i sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

it was so easy in the evening now its so complicated. 

 

weird dream last night

climbing up a rollercoaster, stopped by a friendly carnival worker before falling to my death. I was very grateful. Followed two guys around, one of them a red head. saw lindsey and my aunt. and then there was a rush to leave the carnival, or to be quiet. 

=>of (lie)F

to use your talents and abilities to do better for the world and to make yourself and others happy.--

6 , not too early not too late

sometimes im as bipolar as a person 

suckkkkkked dry of lithium.

where is the inspiration when there is none? 

i  need a fix cause im goin down-------------

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happiness is ? is is is isisisisi is  not feeling like your eyeballs are peering out from the space 

between the top of your head and where your arms are wrapped around your knees. 

staring at nothing just thinking.

the high is {*insertion...[almost]}?  worth the low (ive heard)

or is it ?

This is

centered

clock clock clock

is not working on this blog? 3 hours late.

jjjkldsafiou8938u4rildsfjdskl not a big deal but i want to fix it !

sensory adaptation

morning after but not really
its easy to miss something youre not looking for

typical

i have a friend whos addicted to sexting. 

but shes running out of ideass....

"hard throbbing cock in your wet pussy"

gets old i guess. 

november

when the birds sit on the water as the air gets reluctantly colder my mind drifts to other realities and spaces, involving you.