New Years

Sobered -she called me-, pretty accurate. perhaps not for tonights account, but in general yes. sometimes i don't know how to put my finger on how im feeling or what it is about me that makes me motivated or the lack there of, until someone puts the word in my head. today is new years eve and im going to a party, which should be fun but last year i was the one throwing the party with my friend, which was a smashing sucess (yes i said smashing) so i don't know if anything could beat that. but who knows, sometimes things surprise you. in fact each year that passes i feel like things are never what i expect. which keeps things exciting i guess :D

tonight

Today i am 19, tomorrow i am 40. 

my scarf is draped from the lamp to my open dresser drawer, like a beautiful sculpture. 

i think sometimes if you try hard enough you can rekindle anything, 

and then i remember that ive proved myself wrong. 

but still,

we sit in the car and talk about things that a million people have before, but if feels new to us because we're in the place that those people were at some point. 

it doesn't really matter what we're talking about, I'm just glad we're talking again. 

the longer you know someone the harder you have to work to keep them in your life, because lets face it you change, ive changed. 

even though our relationship use to come more naturally,

your friendship has meant more to me than most things 

and i don't yet think we've outgrown each other. 

highlighterrrrrspoonspoonspooon !

my fingernails are dirty 

an unsurprising adage 

how long have these flowers been dead?

it feels like a long time. 

today is nice. 

when things are going well fewer things make me happier than sitting straight with a silent curve in my spine, looking at you and talking about things that i think are interesting and that you might think are too. where were you when the sun was rising in my eyes, making me squint to push out the soft rays from my irises. isn't this beautiful? pick yourself up and and leave though, the freshness of my cheeks is all I have to offer you today. goo goo g'joob my darling,happy anniversary, the sun has set.  

the window is dirty.

crawl into bed with you
tangle under the sheets
my legs are paper cut outs
your body writhes in heat
the air is cool
a fluff suspended in space
take me to that restaurant we like to go to.
its so ugly outside
i can see the top of a tree
clap clap clap
mueller lyer illusion
do you believe what you hear or what you see
sitting next to someone i cant stand
surrounded by people who are stupid
where are we
i know ill never feel that wrenching heat
of knowing that we understand each other
in the way that only two people can make each other
see that theyre all thats important
but does that mean that we still exist somewhere
where do the little things end up
a note i have in my wallet
between amsterdam and columbus
cheap italian food

fuck you

just had a screaming fit in my room, so so so angry. hate is not too strong of a word sometimes. goddamn it. shower &iron and wine, what else would be teh obvious treatment?

anxiety

I have been so anxious this past week and a half,
its a pretty bad quality I have. It starts as a headache
and goes to my stomach in pangs...I need to find a way to relax.
I can't stop thinking about Hedwig, math class, and past relationships, haha.
not so subtle? well, its on my mind none the less.
The ONLY good thing that comes out of it is that I lost weight ridiculously
fast because I have literally no appetite when I feel like this, and I actually
vomit throughout the day. I'd say not the best weight loss method,
but hey probably not the worst either. Tapeworms, ick.